I Will Not Die

This blog started as a lament. As most of you know, I started writing at a time when I most felt like my personal dreams were slipping from my reach. Though I had been working hard at “jobs” (many hours, etc.), I was operating at half-throttle, chomping on the bit with some fire in my gut, wanting to get going toward the pursuit of my education but entirely unable to. I watched five years of my life evaporate. Writing a blog seemed like a good way to do something creative, something the mundane machinations of restaurant management, then “cubicle monkey” didn’t accommodate.

Then, out of the blue, some opportunities opened up and I kindly rewarded my readers for listening to me by practically stopping writing ever since. Though I haven’t been writing, I’ve often been thinking about writing, which of course, is the important step in writing. I’d like to share with you what I’ve been thinking about.

1. My general theme is too narrow.

I started writing because I was full of passions that I could not spend. I felt like my dreams were dying and I so heavily identified myself with those dreams that I soon thought of my dreams’ death as my death. The metaphor seemed meaningful, so I ran with it. My original objective was to write about not giving up on dreams. But one can only write so many things about that, and, I may not be very qualified to actually write about that. Here’s what I mean: I didn’t start writing because I felt like I was going to make it, I started writing because I was afraid that I wasn’t.

2. I can’t write about what I really love

All of you know: I love the subject philosophy. One might suggest that I write on that topic, but, I’m merely an undergraduate who is still learning, and anything I felt like I learned about philosophic writing I acknowledge as merely tentative, a step on the way to a clearer understanding later in life. I would insult the great thinkers and even myself if I wrote about what I’m studying.

3. Even if I tried to write about philosophy, most people wouldn’t appreciate it

I’ll be the first to admit, philosophy isn’t for most people. Most people are interested in things that philosophy isn’t. That is, most philosophic topics don’t enter people’s day-to-day lives in a way that would appeal to them. And of course, the themes I focus on are still generally unsavory to most people: atheism, liberal in many respects, non-patriotic, etc.

4. So now what?

I’m left with non-philosophic topics in my life, which, might still be a rich source of material. I have lots of hobbies and interests that might have broad enough appeal. But, writing about these things will be a significant deviation from “I Will Not Die.” If I tried to stick with the theme of not caving in to apathy or something, I would have something of a journal talking about what I’m doing in the post-I-almost-died phase of my life, and that doesn’t really appeal to me.

And as always, do accept my apologies for being absent. I have a somewhat significant class load this semester, plus work, etc. See you soon.

Dereck :: Apr.19.2009 :: Uncategorized :: 12 Comments »

For starters, and a big for starters at that: please forgive me for my truancy. On the one hand, I have a small debt to pay: I have met many people who care for me, and for whom I care very much myself, and I have neglected the joys I receive from being a part of the lives of these people, and I have withheld the possibility of their enjoyment that they might take by being a part of mine. On the other hand, I hope that my experiences since my last post justify and resolve that debt. I never expected to take nearly this much time off writing on this blog, and the longer time went on, the harder it has been to think of what to say (more on that in the next post).

It is my hope that from this point going forward I will be writing regularly again.

Now then, apologies aside, let me extend some thanks. Excuses could have a place here, but setting those aside too, I want to extend the deepest possible thanks to the many people who have sent me e-mails and other "hellos" all in the form of checking in on me. I love you all. Thank you for asking me how I’ve been.

So how have I been? What have I been doing?

In a word: I have been living on the Isles of the Blessed. I have, during the time since I started this blog, gone from a deep sense of near despair, a time when closing my eyes and evaluating the sum of life has brought me to the brink of tears of anguish (even though my highest beliefs suggest I should do otherwise) all the way until those same two eyes, when closed now, stand perpetually on the brink of tears of joy.

At about my breaking point after half a decade of setting to tasks for which I had no love whatsoever, I decided to leave my cubicle on the fifth anniversary of my mother’s death. That was October 31, 2008. I had no solid plans for what I would do without an income but with a family. Sheer luck tapped me on the shoulder and I was able to finance (with significant help from my significant) a resolution to all the obstacles that prevented my return to school.

After a slow, five-year sinking, I shot back up in an instant.

I walk around campus still a little dazed: I have so many memories from when I was last here and for what has felt like the longest time I have feared that they would remain only memories, but now I can experience it all first-hand. Of course, it’s not all sight-seeing, which is why I haven’t been writing: I’ve been very busy. I took a high-level philosophy class (383 level on Rousseau and Nietzsche), an advanced symbolic logic class, and a liberal arts requirement (classical mythology). In addition to that, I’ve been working on many side ventures with the hope of drawing some modest income from them, and I’ve been studying several subjects outside of my school requirements which will benefit me later in my academic career. The philosophy class has been the most enjoyable for two reasons: the subject matter and the teacher. I’ve never read Rousseau–and he’s amazing, and the teacher is one my favorites from the last time I was enrolled. He truly is one of the best. The reading load has been severe but something that I eagerly enjoy with the greatest enthusiasm: many students groan when faced with daunting reading loads but this is my subject, so I doubt I could have enough of it. Like the driest of sponges, I’m slurping it up with the greatest satisfaction.

For those who are interested, I started an account on Goodreads.com. It’s a great social-bookmarking site where you can list books you’ve read, books you’re reading, and books you’re going to read. You then connect with other friends who are on there and you can see what they’re reading and comment on their books and whatnot. If you want to follow me there, you can see my profile here.

I have tons more to talk about, but better post this before it gets too long. It feels great to be back, and please do, for those who have been concerned about my happenings, forgive me for disappearing for so long. I hope the simple pleasures I have been enjoying and which have kept me extremely busy vindicate me from too much wrath. I think of all of you quite often.

See you soon…

Dereck :: Mar.01.2009 :: Uncategorized :: 13 Comments »

It’s been over a week now since my last post, so I felt compelled to come out of the shadows for a moment and say a few things.

For starters, I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was still here.

Though I haven’t been posting often this last week, I’ve been busy.

I’ve got my game face on, and I’m plowing away on several high priority projects.

1. I’ve been very focused on finding a job. I’ve enjoyed my little break, but I still need an income, preferably full time until the end of the year. Ideally, I’m looking for one on my campus (because they are obviously lenient about working around class schedules and it will help with the scheduling of my life in general–children, etc.), but I will take any I can find in the meantime. I had a really promising interview on Wednesday: the pay isn’t great but I liked the CFO and attorney I would be working for (even though the job is still accounting-related), but it could also be slightly part-time (which would mean I might be able to keep it while attending classes and so, I wouldn’t have to worry about finding another job later).

2. I’ve been pumping out a scholarship almost every 3-4 days. This has been fun, and I hope I win some of them. I’ve never applied for scholarships before, so it’s been good practice, even if I don’t win any (at least I’ll know that I’m not being competitive enough). This has occupied most of my time. I’ve produced some great essays so far, and am starting to run out of good ones I can apply for. I’ve got a budget set so we can make it without needing them, but it will be tight, so if I win some, it will be bonus.

3. I’ve resurrected my ambition to learn ancient Greek. This has been very fun because my wife is doing it with me. It’s been great to have someone to say the words to, if for no other reason, for the validation–not to mention (for the guys) that if you’re someone who loves Homer and Plato, as I do, there’s nothing quite as sexy as having your wife speak to you in Greek. Believe it or not, learning Greek isn’t as hard as it might sound. The hard part is the unique alphabet. Most of it, as with any language, is the vocabulary. At some point, you just have to memorize several thousand words to get good. I’ve found so many resources on learning Greek that I may even write a post just about it.

4. I’ve been imagining some ways I can reinvent this entire blog. As I find myself shifting gears, I find that my perspective toward most of what I’ve written about is changing too. I’ll have a lot more to say about this soon, and I’d like as much feedback from you as possible when I post about it later. The basic premise on the possible change is this:

I’ve always been writing from the view of an unaccomplished person with a great passion to do what for me, has been impossible. It has been the view of someone unwilling to give up on his dream.

Now that some doors have opened up, and I’m moving again (now that I don’t have to give up on my long-term dream of teaching), I suddenly feel detached from that view.

I was the trooper fighting his way like a die-hard up a hill, and now I’m standing at the top of that hill.

5. Still lots of articles in the chute. I’ve got several articles begun (and several very nearly finished) that I’ve been sitting on so I can make sure they’re just right. I’ve got a hefty post about a friend, a short story, and a growing multi-part series about my horrid experiences with my last company. The greater distance I am gaining from it is offering me a clearer view as to just how damned bad it really was.

A teaser: for over a year of my life I sat, daily, just like some unfortunate lab rat, under a wall board that beeped hundreds of times a day.

Dereck :: Nov.29.2008 :: Uncategorized :: 18 Comments »