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Does it cost too much?
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There’s definitely a shortage of really good writers on the Internet. What’s worse is that the good writers don’t get the credit they deserve. Like who? Like Steve Olson. I’ve been following him closely for the last month or so after I was reminded of him by a reader here. It’s through Steve where I recently learned of another great blogger, Clay Collins. After Steve laments about the poor quality of material on the web, he introduces Clay in this article. Among many things he introduces us to, he draws attention to Clay’s article on the cost of personal growth. This one in particular caught my eye.
Here’s Steve quoting and commenting on Clay:
Clay also writes about the cost of personal growth. For some of us the price is too high.
I’ll probably get some flack for saying this, but I’ll say it anyway: most marriages, most relationships will have a difficult time surviving radical personal growth and evolution. Relationships can become dependent on hundreds of implicit agreements, patterns, rituals, and shared views of reality and it often puts an unendurable stress on a relationship when these agreements, patterns, etc. are relentlessly challenged, ignored, or changed. Good relationships can survive depression, and terrorism, and prison sentences, and all kinds of horrible things, but radical growth is a difficult (but not impossible) to survive. It’s a tuffy.I’d like to sugarcoat things and say you’ll never have to chose between your marriage and radical growth, or your children and radical growth, but that’s just not the case. The are priorities that I will always put before such growth because sometimes rapid growth just isn’t worth it. Sometimes its better to opt for deferred compensation.
He’s right. Sure you could get six pack abs, earn 5 handicap, run a marathon, make $500,000 a year, or you might even solve the economic problems in Africa, but if you lost your family in the process, would it be worth it? I’ll let you guess my answer.
Great find Steve. I’ve spent almost every waking hour thinking about this since I read it last night. In the end, it puts me in a real bind, and here’s why:
Tonight was man’s-night in Dereck-land. My wife and six month-old daughter went out with her friends for a girls’ night out, and me and my three year-old son stayed home. I grilled him a sandwich and watched him sit there enjoying it while I skipped dinner so I could prepare this article. He sat there so patiently while I typed and read, and he ate grilled cheese and drank milk. Every time I looked up at him he would smile at me. He loves me. And needless to say, I love him too. Infinitely. It gave me a great opportunity to reflect on family. In the midst of all the pleasantry, I’m thinking of Steve’s agreement with Clay’s general argument that “sometimes rapid growth just isn’t worth it.” And here I sit, in the midst of rapid growth, blogging about, essentially, rapid growth. About going “balls out” in the face of all adversity, despite those adversities.
Would I continue in my efforts to rise, if it meant losing my son? Eh.
Definitely not. But really, he’s three. I’d just take him with me while I go. So what about my wife? She goes, he goes. What if rapid growth put “unendurable strain” on all the “implicit agreements, patterns, rituals, and shared views of reality” that compose my marriage? Then I’d have a big problem. Fortunately, I don’t really have this problem, so I have to guess. For me, a major implicit agreement we have is that I’m someone worth my salt, and what I do to prove it is tolerable. In other words, my wife wants me to turn into something great, because she’s thinks I’m something great. Has since day one. Rapid growth is in our unspoken constitution.
What about the other guy? The guy who “wakes up” after being married for ten years to a wife that just wants the basic things in life, and who has children he would lose? Then I guess he has to make a decision. He can either change all the implicit agreements so that they would make radical growth endurable, or he can sacrifice radical growth so that his kids will know who the hell he is. Or he can learn the joys of child support and get really skilled at picking out birthday cards, I guess.
But is it that hard to change the bases on which relationships are founded? If it’s that hard to talk your spouse into being 100% on your side while you try to climb mountains so that you both want it equally, maybe you should take a good look at your relationship. Mind you, it’s actually extremely difficult for me to sit here and disagree with Steve and Clay. I admire them both. They both have terrific, well-trafficked blogs. I’m the new (yet another) guy on the street who is still finding his voice, still finding his audience. I’d be much better off kissing a little ass right now and making friends.
But here’s the giant kicker. Steve started his whole article lamenting the lack of perspective. Here’s mine. I want rapid growth because I have a family, not the other way around. Not, “I need to check my growth because I have a family.” Hell Steve, and Clay, I’m living my life largely the way I am right now because my parents thought the cost was too high. And I’m not blaming them for whatever woes I suffer. I watched decades of wasted talent go down the drain with the stunning conclusion of death by death endings while they were both just forty-six. Gone. Poof. They settled. They took deferred compensation. Granted, I knew both my parents, but honestly, my childhood wasn’t all that great anyways.
This could get me flamed, but shit guys, rapid growth doesn’t cost enough.
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9 Responses to “Does it cost too much?”
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I have less to say than I have to ask. I think you need to examine some things in different contexts. I was intrigued enough to comment after digesting this:
“But is it that hard to change the bases on which relationships are founded? If it’s that hard to talk your spouse into being 100% on your side while you try to climb mountains so that you both want it equally, maybe you should take a good look at your relationship.”
Talk about a can of worms! You completely neglect that these changes often occur at the fundamental level of the persons being. Changes to this foundation equate to a new reality with each addition and/or omission of values and virtues. Often times, changes to these foundations are large and have far-reaching implications. When someone ‘wakes up’ they are essentially realizing some clarity of mind… everything clicks… their reality changes.
Now we can take that as my just defining some terms. It also gives some insight as to the ideas I wish for you to challenge yourself with with these examples.
Let us assume in all these examples that the relationship involves a 7 year marriage and 2 kids.
1) Lets assume both partners are spiritual until the wife has an epiphany and becomes an Atheist. Or vice versa.
2) After 7 years, the wife adopts philosophy in her life, radically changing how she views the world at a fundamental level. Where she use to a mallrat 7 years ago, she now deplores consumerism. Barring her mate following in the same footsteps, how can she stay with him if she now views him as immoral and ‘unproductive’ due to her new found moral fiber and epistemology? If the husband accepted the change, but refused to grow with her, would she not see this as a fault on HIS part? Thus fracturing the couple for good.
3) What if the new found growth caused you to re-prioritize things in life, causing a career change? Say a fortune 500 man wakes up and wants to devote his time to science endeavors however he can. He takes a substantial pay cut to pursue the passion, causing the wife to pick up a job. How does the wife survive that without enduring an unfair amount of sacrifice?
4) Suppose neither partner went through growth, but instead one regressed a great deal. Essentially, you have the same problem, but does viewing it like this alter the perspective? Is not the regressed partner at fault somehow? If that is true, is the opposite? Not likely – how can you say that someone going through growth is at fault for now shaky relationship? Would it be flipped? Would they who did not grow along with the partner at fault for not progressing? Hmmm… interesting.
Thoughts?! I look forward to your reply.
It all depends on what you think the purpose of marriage is. If you think the purpose of marriage is to be with someone you love and start a family then, yes, your personal growth may cause your family to implode.
If, however, the purpose of your marriage is bigger – then your personal development actually ENHANCES your marriage.
On a basic level, your marriage is a covenant with your partner, society, and God (if you choose). In getting married, you declare the fullness of your intention as a true citizen of your community. In committing to creating this partnership, you are also creating the basis for the family unit (which is the basic foundation for social stability.)
On a higher level, your marriage is a balls-to-the-wall romantic commitment to your spouse. You promise to love and cherish your beloved, regardless of what may come, until the cold, clammy hand of death parts you. Being married forces you to either open or close in the face of constantly shared space. You can either expand your heart in the fullness of love for your spouse, or you can close in on yourself.
Which brings me to the highest purpose of marriage.
To challenge, inspire, and demand your personal evolution. What is our purpose here? What do humans do better than anything? You might say ‘kill’, but one only has to look at the animal kingdom to see that there are animals who are more ferocious and deadly than us. Or bacteria who can wipe out entire civilizations.
So at we do we excel? Love.
It is our capacity for love that defines the human spirit. Our leaps of courage, our acts of bravery, our highest sacrifices; each is born from the fullness of love in which we live. In the best marriage, your spouse equally inspires your soul and demands your 100% – not just in your marriage, but in your life. For how can you bring your full gifts to your marriage if you are not expressing them in the world?
As in marriage, life demands your complete attention, your full engagement. To do what? To offer your gifts to the world. How best can you love the world? Is it through service? Through writing? Through riding a bike cross-country? If you are totally open, how is your heart, your love, moving you to live your life?
Marriage challenges you to really live, and in the face of the mundane or frustration or anger to stay open, to open more fully, open yourself even wider – until at some point we can encompass all of the world with our loving.
Marriage binds you to your community and sets your intention as to how you will live your life, and then – even better – provides you with opportunities to daily practice your opening and compassion. The best of marriages provides a boot camp opportunity to dance with the divinity of your heart, and to practice constant, compassionate evolution.
I cannot think of a greater gift than to grow rapidly in the safe space of marital love. Your growth should in turn inspire her growth which should in turn inspire your growth which should in turn…
We are all meant to grow. The challenge of marriage lies in growing, not necessarily together, but in the same direction.
Thanks for reading my post and linking back to it.
I’m not sure there is any disagreement.
My thoughts are identical to yours regarding much of what you mention. Specifically this:
Have you seen The Pursuit of Happiness with Will Smith. If you haven’t I highly recommend you watch it with your wife.
I know it is just a movie, but in reality sometimes radical growth requires a massive sacrifice. So my question is this… If, in order to fulfill your growth, your family ended up destitute and homeless living on the street, maybe in a public bathroom, for a while, could your relationships survive? If they didn’t, would it be worth it?
If your growth meant you weren’t available for your family for the next year, let’s say you needed to train in South Africa learning special skills available nowhere else, would it be worth it?
What if your growth meant giving away all your possessions and moving your family to Mynamar?
I think you get the idea. All my ideas about my personal growth involve my family benefiting from that growth, but for some people that isn’t the case.
As you know, a successful marriage requires shared responsibility. If your personal growth causes undue sacrifice to your spouse, it might not be fair to you, your kids, or your family.
Part my personal growth is taking responsibility for those who depend upon me. That means making personal sacrifice. Sometimes personal growth isn’t about what you do, it is also about what you don’t do.
Steve, I am SO GLAD you mentioned that movie because I absolutely HATE IT. That is the story of a selfish, selfish man – not someone who was trying to ‘rapidly grow’.
Everything he did was in the pursuit of money, in the pursuit of quick money. He certainly made a lot of money in the end, but was it because he was following his passion? No. He took one look at a rich guy driving a nice car and decided he would do whatever it took to get that.
His family was his LAST priority.
Now change the picture. What if he had come to his wife and said, “Beloved, I need to do something different. Living like this is killing me.” What if, together, they had made a plan to help fulfill his passion? What if the plan involved her going to live with her parents for a year or so?
WHY NOT?
Chris and I have talked about what we do if he were gone for a long period of time. (There was an opportunity for people to live in the deep ocean for a year, because they wanted to see if undersea colonization was possible.) We decided, we could do it! Be totally committed to it.
Just because an astronaut is in space for a year or two at a time, doesn’t mean that his family will fall apart in his absence. The difference is mutual agreement and discussion, keeping the partnership the core of your directionality.
Hayden,
Again, I agree with you, but to some, what he did in that movie is rapid personal growth and they see it as message that if he went out and got a job instead he would still be stuck and his son would be worse off.
Some people do similar things for altruistic reasons like political movements or humanitarian efforts. Some voluntarily join the military and go off to war and leave their families behind. Rapid personal growth means different thing to different folks. That’s why it’s personal, it’s about you and what is important to you. My family is a high priority for me, that’s why they get a say on all the big decisions.
@ Dustin – Hey, thanks for commenting. I’ve carefully read everything you’ve said. Looking at your examples, it seems to me that you’re saying, in cases like these, rapid growth brought about by spontaneous awakenings will damage the relationships. But you don’t offer a solution. I’m assuming your solution would be less rapid, less radical growth. If that’s the case, then maybe we differ on our views about rapid growth. What I had in mind was the damage that could be caused by someone abandoning rapid growth in exchange for “average” growth. I guess I also had in mind that the best kind of growth, the kind of growth that can REALLY make a difference in someone’s life is often only possible through a radical growth spurt. So I guess, I’ll leave this question for now. If someone “wakes up” and realizes that they want to grow rapidly, but realizes that this could ruin their marraige, should they abandon rapid growth?
@ Steve – Hi Steve. I’m glad you could swing by. I’m a huge fan. Hey, I’ve read what I wrote a few times, and I hope it doesn’t sound combative. I think there’s a need for some clarification. Here’s what I’m thinking: You agree (specifically) with that section of what I said, but that statement I made seems to be in opposition to what you said in your article. I took your article, specifically the last thing I quoted, as saying that we should, for example, not go for the six-pack abs, if it meant we’d wreck a marraige. In other words, trade rapid growth for marraige; if you can’t have both, forget the rapid growth. Would you then say that we should opt for less rapid or less radical growth? If so, I think I understand what you’re saying. The reason I wrote the article in the first place was because of the spirit of Clay’s article. Maybe I misinterpreted that spirit. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Here’s how I took it: he starts by saying we might wake up wanting rapid growth, then uses the rest of the article to argue why rapid growth is bad. It’s painful, it has a price, it’s medicine that can taste REALLY bad, and in the end, the price of radical growth is sometimes just not worth it. I took him to be arguing against rapid growth, because of the consequences. To settle, to accept deffered compenation.
By the way, I haven’t seen the movie. I’ll try to rent it this weekend. Your views about family are very identical to my own. Your personal growth, as well as my own, involves benefitting our families. But what about the people for whom that’s not the case? I take it you mean those whose personal growth doesn’t benefit their families. If so, then now we’re talking about something very different. It’s a qualifier absent in your article. At the same time, it’s a qualifier we both agree completely on, which is interesting. Rapid, selfish growth is something neither of us want anything to do with. So should those who are not like us, abandon their rapid growth?
Dereck,
Yes,
The qualifier is absent from my article. I leave qualifiers out frequently because I want to leave some things to the perspective of the reader. They can fill in those blanks themselves.
No one should abandon what is right for them. I believe they know it in their heart if they look there. Some people absolutely should walk away from a marriage. I’m not one to tell you if that is right or wrong in any specific case, only the person experiencing it knows for sure.
Everything and I mean everything, has an opportunity cost. Whenever you embark on change, radical or not, you need to know what the opportunity cost is and be sure you are willing to pay that price. The question isn’t whether a person should or shouldn’t abandon their rapid growth. The question is whether the price is worth it for you in your unique situation. There are a lot of different directions you can grow. My definition of personal growth is going to be very different that a 20 year old woman. Do see where I am going? It all depends on your trade off and your personal values.
Steve – I think this has become a rather productive discussion actually. I keep trying to rework my mental step-taking to see where I found myself dissatisfied with what I took to be Clay’s ultimate message, and what I took to be your endorsement of that message.
And ultimately, that reworking comes down to what you’ve just said, that is, the personal choice we each make about our personal growth in light of the consequences they may have on our families.
I feel equally adamant that most people should strain for maximum growth and the benefit of their loved ones; to essentially force the kind of growth you (and even I) already aspire to.
I took his article to be far too lenient on the former in support of the latter.