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Love
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The more carefully you read this, the more I will owe you. You will understand by the end.
I want to talk to you about love. Why so?
Because I think I may have been misunderstood. How so misunderstood?
Misunderstood in that my pursuit of my aims is thought to be something that it is not. In other words, it’s not about a bike trip for the sake of a bike trip. It’s not about the money for the sake of the money. It’s not about freedom for the sake of freedom. It’s not about mobility for the sake of mobility.
So what is this about?
To answer that, I’m going to tell you a story. I’m not sure what you will think of it.
Generally speaking, it is nearly impossible, without great study, to understand a life.
Why would you want to understand a life with such speciality? Let alone mine? Because what you might find is a close reflection of something from your own. And what is it that you might see a glimpse of? You might see a strand of something beautiful in all things human.
So here’s the story I want to tell you. I haven’t given much depth to the specifics of my life, but instead, served a cursory summary of all things Dereck on the about page. I knew that the depth would come in time. The bike trip for instance will be that time. And just now, in the hopeful shadow of the early morning before the trip that “may be”, it may be time, but only because I may have been misunderstood.
I was birthed in a hell. Mired in a swamp, covered by moss and by mud. That was my origin. But contrary to what you might think, I’m actually okay with that. This is the Earth; I know her well. I accept her as she is. But more than that: I embrace her. Never believe that I do less.
In due time, sunk in a swamp, my toe touched something firm. A submerged log, a vine, maybe a stone. I was able to place my entire foot on it and push a little. My shoulders soon rose from the water and I found myself near the shore. Exhausted, I took a deep breath and crawled from the bestial beginnings onto dry land. I heaved, I cried, I clawed at the earth. I placed my tears on the bank. I stayed there, sprawled, face in the mud on the shore. I breathed. Was this a new beginning? It was a new beginning.
How could I be sure?
Because when I looked up, I saw a woman. She was standing there, and she smiled at me. I soon learned that she had placed that stone into the water near my moving leg. And the moment I stood up to greet her, I looked her in the eyes, and when I did, I found the human passion. I accepted life and learned to love.
She told me secrets. She whispered them into my ear while her soft hair swirled around my head. She touched my neck and she explained to me why I am the way I am and she explained to me that there was something that I could do with my life.
But at that moment, she laughed and ran off.
So I pursued her, wanting to find her and embrace her, wanting to make her tell me what that was.
But she was both skilled and elusive.
And her name was Philosophy.
So I continued my pursuit. The faster I ran the better she hid. The whole while, I the lover, chasing my beloved, I would gain pieces of wisdom that she would leave along the way to tease me and to entice me to continue the pursuit. I loved her.
And you see, what can be gained most from the embarrassing little story of my life is this:
One day she died.
I lost her.
To explain to someone what the loss of a beloved means to someone who has only had a crush, is the most futile exercise of man. So let me be more clear to you:
I loved her.
My entire life since the day I found her dead, has been to find that love again. That love, that kind of love, for me, can only be found in Philosophy. The bar has been set. Years I have spent since then have been in the shade because I remember the things she would whisper to me, I remember the things she told me.
And I loved her.
The worst part of all of this, is for me to try to explain to others why I can’t stop loving her. They tell me to find another love. They introduce me to other wonderful things of this world. But my stubborn heart will not budge. My heart beats for her, and always will. My heart is hers now.
Then, in the very recent past, while walking through a thick crowd…
I suddenly saw her…
Don’t you see?
Unmistakable. How could I be sure?
Because she looked at me. She smiled. And then she laughed.
And all this time I thought she was dead.
I leaped up to go find her.
But I was fastened.
My heart cried out. I do not want to lose her again. Do you hear me friends? I do not want to lose her again.
So if I ever seem to you to be trying too hard to undo these chains, you’ll know exactly why:
It’s because I saw her. It’s because I love her…
You might ask, “What is this madness that has overcome you, Dereck?”
Oh it is not madness my friends…
It is love.
“Why are you driven like you are? Be patient.”
But I saw her…
Don’t you see?
And I might never find her again…
And you have to understand just how much I love her.
It’s been five years since I last lost her. My parents died, I withdrew from school, and I haven’t seen her since. Because she died.
I thought.
This trip, has nothing to do with me. It is only about love.
And I chase like this, because I love her so much.
So forgive me friends. I am not mad at all. I am not greedy. I am not unconditionally zealous. I do not mean to force my way onto a bike, into the wilderness. I do not mean to push. I do not mean to try too hard. I do not mean to be impatient. I do not mean to seem like I have fear. It’s much more simple than that.
I am in love.
Don’t you see? Please…just see…
I am in love…
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Dereck :: Sep.25.2008 :: Fiction, Happiness, Life, Motivation, Perspectives, Purpose :: 28 Comments »
28 Responses to “Love”
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Love makes us crazy.
One word: Beautiful.
I hope you find your lost love very soon, Dereck.
@ Writer Dad - Is that so?
@ mahjong - thank you
Why do you feel so rejected?
@ Hayden - I don’t fully feel rejected. I wanted to share a story about love.
I also wanted to articulate my passion, to articulate the fundamental reason for why I am doing all of this.
It is only for love.
@ Alexander - I moved the discussion we’ve begun to the forum here.
I moved it because ultimately it is a religious discussion, and it deserves significantly more attention than can be provided here.
@Writer Dad: Love also motivates us to be better people.
In most cases.
I thought this was a post about religion, in a way. It reminded me of how I lost my Catholic faith when I was a teenager. I didn’t notice it at first, just thought I was too tired to get up for church, etc. But I never got that faith back, and it took me a long time to realize that something had, indeed, replaced it. That the process of losing my faith had to happen so I could understand what I really believed in.
You lost me ever since you started talking about bikes. No really. I think you’ve lost it. Whether that’s a good thing or not, we’ll assess in a couple years from now. I have a history somewhat similar to yours except I’m only 21. I lost my position in a prestigious university due to an obsession with philosophy and I’m now stuck in a middle ground doing menial labor working my way up again. I’d spend days literally in my mind or in books, neglecting my schoolwork (the work was actually pretty easy in retrospect). Philosophy was just something I made a priority. I have not a clue about its overall effect on me. What I do know is, I have less time to study, read, and ponder than I did before. It pains me. However, I don’t see where the bike ride comes in here. My own solution is working back up to a four year college, getting a decent job, studying philosophy part-time. Saving most of what I make and investing it, retiring early, and moving to a developing country where the cost of living is cheap, where I can easily help others, and where I can devote many hours of my time to reading philosophy and humanities in general. The problem is, I don’t love philosophy in the way you do. I just love the idea of being fully devoted to something day and night. However, we live in a world where multitasking seems to be key. I don’t like having to constantly shift my attention. Something like philosophy is slow-paced and life-long; it allows for the careful development of thoughts. I like that. Very contrary to today’s world, which I abhor. But in all seriousness. The bike idea. I don’t like it. Try biking across the Sahara, away from civilization if you’re serious about philosophy. The motorway is no place for philosophy.
The energy in this post is incredible, loved loved loved reading it and well wows!
Dereck ever thought of writing a book? You have such experience in life and have a great ability of connecting words to project your feelings to the reality.
It’s 3.18 am in the morning and I’m stuck in your blog. Darn, I should head to sleep by now.
Regards,
JJ
*should be sleeping by now! Darn it, I can’t even type now.
Dereck, I have, over the years, read many things that you have written. I have also read a great deal of everything else that I could get my hands on. This article is, without question, one of the most beautiful and poetic things I have ever read. I understand now. The bike ride is about breaking free in order to pursue your love. I think you’re right. I think that you will never be able to get back to school while you’re stuck in a cubicle. Run little buddy, run! For what it’s worth. I have the utmost faith in you. If anyone can do it, you can.
@ Beth - So when something replaced it, were you happier? And what if nothing could have replaced it?
@ fairykarma - Sorry to have lost you. I haven’t lost it, I’m quite sane. Honest. Heh.
I appreciate your love for philosophy. However, keep in mind that to fully understand what it means to me, depends on a fairly deep understanding of what philosophy is for me. It’s not some fully private act that I seek to obtain while shunning the world. I don’t desire to go off and be aloof. I would like to make a contribution to the study, as a whole.
And, the bike trip wouldn’t generally be on major roads, but instead, back ones. And those are quite the place indeed.
@ Sanity - Thank you, really. And thank you.
@ JJ - In fact, yes I have. Very much.
@ lucendienne - Can’t tell you how much that means…
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Wow..thank you so much for this nice story.Don’t stop loving even if you lose someone you love but you just continue loving your self and love to God.He is the only Philosophy.
@ Ladytears - As much as I deeply appreciate your reply, God is not at all the only philosophy. In fact, I’ve found religion to be so defective (for me, personally) that philosophy as philosophy is generally understood (the pursuit of wisdom) to be the only pursuit that has meaning. For me, religion is just a fiction, through and through.