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This is the Greatest Week of My Life
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(I dedicate this post to Bruce from The Thinker’s Podium–who doesn’t know me in the least for I have never yet, until this very sentence, spoken up to him. I have followed his blog for a very long time and sometimes lament that I haven’t summoned the guts to write with my full intellect, as he writes with his, but instead, I often succumb to the subtle fear of marginalizing my audience by saying things that I know aren’t popularly read enough to support my own blogging ambitions, and so, at this moment, on the doorstep of my return to the familiar and sorely missed activities of an intellectual in my private life, I have him close in my mind)
Because this is such a special occasion for me, I’ve added a special touch to this post. Below, I’ve embedded Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major/Prélude, performed by Yo-Yo-Ma. I have listened to this song almost endlessly while I have written this post. The song so closely follows my personal feelings that I couldn’t abandon the song by publishing the post without it, so decided to bring the song with the post so you can enjoy them both together, as I have.
If you’re reading this from a feed reader, you’ll need to come here to this post to listen (the flash player does not work in a feed).
A very special thanks to Walls for reminding me of this magical song.
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“This is the Greatest Week of My Life”
When I say that, in fact, when most men say that in reference to events outside of the births of their children or their wedding days, they run the austere risk of drawing the justified ire of the children they’re raising and the wives who support them.
Even so, I have the authority (we all do) to offer a separation of our private and public lives. And if I’ve just left any doubt at all, the greatest private day of my life was the day my young bride walked, smiling (shy as she was), dressed in flowers, through the beautiful rays of the sun on the great outdoor garden on her way down toward me so that I could declare to her and the world that she would be mine, forever.
It was that very kiss, to that very woman that offered me the final and honest understanding of human love. I love you, Love.
A close second was the day my son first looked up to me, moments after he was born. I swore an oath to myself never to repeat the bad parenting I received from a father who I could, using hindsight, name Wrath, and instead, just to settle the score and heal strange wounds that still sometimes wept, I sealed that promise by naming my son after my father, Michael. I will be a better man for you, Son.
A close third (and only third because the second witness of a live human birth contains significantly less shock factor) was the birth of my daughter, who, even just today, shows me human courage by refusing to give up even when gravity demands otherwise. She started walking just the other day and now she is becoming quite bold. The daredevil thinks she can practically run and knows not at all quite fully how to barely stand, but that handicap doesn’t seem to slow her down. To you my Dear, I extend the deepest imaginable apologies for any poor man who thinks he will one day take you away from me. Phrases like “Epic Scrutiny” will someday seem quite mild when compared to what I will do to him.
These are all private triumphs. And they are the best things of my life.
Even so, there is, as there is with many men, a second me. There is a me who wants to run off and conquer lands and pretend I’m king, even if for just a day or two. In other words, I want to make something of myself. I want be somebody. For a long time now, I have been a nobody.
This week though, I am somebody again.
Slowly, I am sinking away from a few years worth of animosity and sliding into the more comfortable seat of deeper thoughtfulness that left me the day I boxed up my ambitions and stowed them away, while I whispered to the box the insincere promise that I would return to collect them again all just moments before I tromped on off to full-time and low-wage work that had nothing to do with my skills and everything to do with necessity.
I hate for anyone to think of history too tragically, and then to connect that with a nimble attempt of mine to gain something from that history, but either way, that’s life, and these are just facts. Many of you know them.
Five years ago my mother died, and it was during those days when life felt most like the decaying Roman empire for me. I watched as armies all around laid waste to everything that once was grand in all respects. I quit my job on October 31st, 2008. My mother passed (or we found her) on October 31st, 2003. The date I selected was no coincidence, but rather, I selected it because of its symbolism.
Five years. Five years?
It was such a short time before that fifth year ago when, after an excruciating life, I found good ground and gave just one good blossom. I discovered something that I loved. So dearly did I love it that I stamped my identity with it. I became intrinsically intertwined with what I fell in love with.
And for many people (and no, not you), when they hear of who I love, they laugh and call me folly. In the capitol of capitalism, in America of all places, telling people you don’t aspire to gain wealth, build riches, and buy stuff, but rather, your ambition is the relentless pursuit of wisdom (whatever that means), comes out a bit like the very folly they accuse me of.
They think I like the ugly girl.
They just don’t know her like I know her 
After all, she’s not metaphysics, she’s not new-age anything. She is, for me, the only persistent companion to humanity. She’s the historical context that no one pays enough attention to. She’s political, man. She’s the subjective and more tolerable version of the objective world we’ve all grown up in, and she’s so deep to fathom that I could spend every night until my death asking her questions because it’s not the answers to the questions themselves I’m after, but rather, the implications of the answers she gives me. In other words, she looks forward too.
But all that aside, I had so carefully tied her to my identity, I had so heavily assigned her as a value to my life ambition, that any other ambition was a major step down. The only way for me to feel satisfied in any other role would have been for me to deconstruct my identity. Do you know how difficult that is? It’s pretty much a division by zero.
That would have been a tragic chapter at the end of a tragic book.
I don’t like books like that. Frankly.
Back to normalcy: five years ago. After having found a paternal subject that was so challenging to participate in, months later I was getting food thrown at me by a drunk who didn’t like how I made his sandwich at 2 o’clock in the morning. That was crushing. It wouldn’t have been so bad had it been just a night or two, but the nightmare extended itself for almost half the distance between then and now. The second half has been spent in the bowels of a corporate world so mindless that the dead of sleep would seem more engaging at every passing second.
And at least during one point of each and every of these days, my devotion to my loved ones begged the question from me, “what if you have to give it up?”
What if a return to school was an impossibility? What if my path was inevitable? Could I deal with it?
And the answer was always one that gripped me with fear, and I invariably refused to answer it.
I’ve always insisted that the title I Will Not Die was a metaphor but only because it was the clearest way I knew to make it remotely intelligible to the patrons who might end up gracing these pages with their eyes. In truth though, for me, it’s the unique class of metaphor where the “like” so closely approximates reality that the difference between fact and fiction becomes reduced to nearly truth. For me, were I to have succumbed to the fate of the American worker bee I had actually become, it would have spelled my very death. And after five years of looking so closely at the coffin every single day I could feel my life escaping me. Whole days would pass where I scarcely thought I had breathed, so close was I to my end.
And suddenly, some doors just swung open, I found just the sliver of financing I need to pay off the last fateful semester I attended and for at least some of the upcoming semesters I will need to complete my degree. It turns out that all these many months of slaving away did some wonders for me and my wife’s credit ratings. After five years of getting nowhere, it was clearly foreseeable that another five could yield the same. Extend that a few more times and poof! Done. Life over.
I still haven’t found a job yet, but just need to float until the end of the year, and after that I should be able to manage everything with one full-time job or two part-time jobs, but on January the 10th, I’ll be back in school after all. I know right where I’ll go first. I can’t wait to share it with you. I will give you a guided tour. Also, I’ve got a multi-part series about my experiences in the corporate world coming up soon.
I did not die.
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Dereck :: Nov.20.2008 :: Happiness, Life, Purpose :: 37 Comments »
37 Responses to “This is the Greatest Week of My Life”
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Been reading quietly lately.
I can’t wait for this miniseries.
Matthew Dryden´s last blog post..How Tree Dances
Nice.
Great to hear.
Metaphor is.
Simile is like.
@ Matthew - Me too. Should be stopping by soon now.
@ Alan! - That was careless of me. Ah, oh well. I could change it, to try to sound less foolish, which is what I would normally do with most typos, but then everyone would wonder what your comment was referring to. So, I’ll leave the goof.
Definitely leave the goof Dereck. That’s how we learn. Mistakes are human, but we can always adapt. I’m looking forward to the series.
Writer Dad´s last blog post..Redbook… An Excerpt
Dereck .. I’m not usually lost for words, but reading this, I am.
How to tell you the impact of this on me without words?
Impossible - so here are some, though they’re poor substitutes. I’m touched, awed, amazed, inspired. I find such tenderness, compassion, hope and some small amount of tragedy in this post that I’m moved to tears. Ian
Ian Peatey´s last blog post..Feeding the wolves
It’s a beautiful moment, when those doors swing open. I’m very happy for you.
ari
Ari Koinuma´s last blog post..Life’s Survival Guide for Sensitive Souls
And it is for moments like these that I love you, because you reveal how much love you have for yourself. It’s a reminder of how far you have come, and a reminder to me of how far I have come, and how far I have yet to go.
All is not lost. Hope springs eternal. You are amazing.
Thank you. Again.
i like the way you share the story about yourkids. And going back to shooll is a healthy part of improving ourselves. Btw, what is wr this comment page is strange, or is there something wrong?
have you read my previous post? a lot of typo… this is really strange, i can’t see what i am typong.
Most excellent. I did enjoy reading that. Such an exciting place to be.
Derek, this is happy news indeed! My only question is - where is your fundraiser widget thingy? I always check that when I come here. Did you move it? Have you officially given up on it? Can you do it between semesters?
Hayden Tompkins´s last blog post..The Purpose of Life
@ Writer Dad - Ah, I thank you.
@ Ian - Passionate readers are passionate people, Ian. In all probability, that is our greatest bond.
And even though you label your words as poor substitutes, believe me when I say that I understand you with clarity.
@ Ari - Thank you, Ari. Quite beautiful indeed.
@ deankryan - Ah, there you are good friend.
And that, that is what drives me.
@ grace - I’m not sure what’s wrong with the comment page, it’s working for me now. Let me know if it does it again.
@ Veronica - Thank you too, Veronica.
@ Hayden - Ha! Do I look like someone who would give up on that? Very funny. Actually, I’m completely redoing my approach on the donation page. I’ll have the badge back up soon. I’ll be promoting that all winter. Ideally, once warm weather comes around, I’ll be riding my way on off to your neck of the woods. But definitely, no, haven’t given up at all. Just reorganizing, thinking.
SO FULL of LIFE!!!! I found this touching and poignant and brave and the reflection of someone with great determination. Good for you my friend. The dream only stops when we stop walking toward it. GOOD…FOR…YOU…FOR..KEEPING…WALKING…TOWARD…YOUR…DREAMS!!!! Yes! Like Hayden, I too am glad to see that you are not giving up on ANY of your dreams…even the bicycle tour. Dereck, most truly GREAT people went through much pain, struggle, setbacks, etc. to get to their greatness, greatness of spirit, dreams and vitality. Know that there were many before you, GREAT SOULS, who walked the same path you now walk. I know it well myself. I am not saying that I am great, I am just saying that yours is and will be a life well lived. So is mine, so I understand.
Just keep going and you will run right into yourself. A wonderful experience!
Love the music SO much.
Proud of you.
Robin
Robin Easton´s last blog post..Can You Do It?
Damn this is stumble-worthy.
Nice work, and best wishes to you.
You just made me REALLY proud to be human. And in the middle of a work week too….
@ Robin - Wow, thanks. It felt good while I wrote it, glad everyone likes it so much. Oh, and glad everyone likes the music too
@ andytheman - Thanks Andy, I really appreciate it.–did you come from StumbleUpon?
Yup, sure did
So glad you’re going back to school. I too understand the significance of choosing a day that’s been painful–once I did it to redeem the day.
Beth Partin´s last blog post..Fridays at Restoration Nation: Farmer in Chief II
That’s great news, Dereck. Congratulations and best of luck in the months to come. Your story was warming on this cold day in Pennsylvania. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to the series to come. I think “the other Ian” summed it up best. Very moving post.
Ian´s last blog post..Should Nokia Buy Yahoo?
It may have been written elsewhere- but what are you going to be studying?
@ Beth - I’m glad in return, that you were able to redeem that day.
@ Ian - Ian, I’m sorry you didn’t receive the memo.
Thanks for all the well wishes, Ian
@ Veronica - philosophy
I have missed you. All along, I thought I had subscribed in my reader, but discovered I hadn’t. All this time, thinking you hadn’t written anything for a good long time. Imagine my surprising delight to discover a week’s worth of words to feast on. Right when I needed them, too.
Please, thank your wife for supporting your return to school.
Well done well done well done!!! This is great news, congratulations! I am delighted for you, and expect full and complete reports! Hurrah!!
This is powerful writing Dereck - it’s powerful in that I find it very freeing. That you’re taking positive steps in the directions you desire. And know that in doing this, and sharing openly here, you are inspiring others (me). Thank you for writing this.
Lance´s last blog post..Sunday Thought For The Day
@ Suze - Hi Suze! Glad you swung by
I’ve thought, many times, that I had subscribed to various blogs myself, only to find out later that I had not.
I’m also glad that what you came and found was delightful. As to my wife, she’s been my greatest support, so much so, that whenever I have despaired, whenever I have looked around afraid that I have no one, I quickly realize that I forgot to look behind me, because it is she, who is actually always holding me up.
@ Walls - I’ve missed you Walls; so glad you came by. Will supply full reports, and, while you’re here, I’m quite excited about your successes too. I look forward to one day turning the pages you have created.
@ Lance - It means very much to me to hear you say these things. You don’t know it, but I’m a lurker on your site. I subscribed a few months ago and have been happily reading your work ever since, just haven’t taken the time to comment yet. Glad you stopped by, nice to meet you officially.
They think I like the ugly girl.
They just don’t know her like I know her
Love it. It reminded me of my NaNo.
Congrats on returning to school to pursue your dreams. And you will go on that bike trip.
Life is made up of those little private moments.
It’s the good ones strung together that make us want to continue moving forward.
asrais´s last blog post..Afterword
[...] presents This is the Greatest Week of My Life posted at I Will Not [...]
@ asrais - I agree on every front. Good to see you again.
[...] speaking for flattery, long-time reader, recent participant in discussion, Dereck, has dedicated a post! I feel I should return the favour and there is an idea I’ve had for a post for a little [...]
Cheers for the dedication.
Like everyone else it seems, I enjoyed the music as well. For some reason, while I lose interest in songs played frequently (Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries being the textbook example - kill the rabbit!), I’ve never bored of Cello Suite No. 1, even though I’ve heard it often enough through repeated viewings of Evangelion (call me kitsch, I don’t mind.)
I can relate to pulling one’s self through the last subjects at Uni. Am doing the same as well, and through a transfer between degrees, I may have just one to go, but it feels taxing all the same (especially while watching the debt pile up - although we are luckier in the way that’s managed in Australia).
I’ve seen your face on the MyBlogLog widget in the sidebar of my blog for a while, so it’s good to finally have this interaction. Look forward to more.
Bruce´s last blog post..Returning to the blogospheric discussion
I believe once you make the decision to stop living the corporate life you will be better off. But, you need to be able to live with less for a while.
I moved to Costa Rica for that reason. I was to work less and be in a beautiful country. I have way less than I had in the states, but I feel much better.
And, now I know where I am going…
Jim Gaudet´s last blog post..Managing Application Servers with WSUS
[...] that it’s never too late to tie up loose ends and achieve your goals. This post, entitled This is the Greatest Week of My Life posted at I Will Not [...]
@ Bruce - You’re quite welcome. Glad you liked the music too. So what are you studying? I can’t remember seeing that specifically in any posts of yours that I’ve read (which isn’t all of them).
Lastly, how is debt managed over there differently? Maybe I should move somewhere more hospitable.
@ Jim - Living with less. That’s the bare truth. Your move to Costa Rica is extremely inspiring for me. This sums it up:
Congratulations! Dreams can and do come true, as you’ve so deservedly discovered. Through your own hard effort, through putting one foot in front of the other.
There’s nothing like the freedom and the terror of quitting one’s job without another to go to… its most liberating. I did so in June this year, went to Thailand for five weeks and then came back only to discover that it would take me two months to find a new job and in that time, I had to live like a teenager again at my parents’ place…
But then, I can’t imagine yet the inevitable experience you live with, of not having your parents around at all any more, no matter what sort of parents they were…
A new start. Yes. Many blessings to you…
Svasti´s last blog post..Human violence
[...] been over a week now since my last post, so I felt compelled to come out of the shadows for a moment and say a few [...]
[...] been over a week now since my last post, so I felt compelled to come out of the shadows for a moment and say a few [...]
i love to read your posts,tere is somethina unique about your writing.
regards
[...] me in the least for I have never yet, until this very sentence, spoken up to him.) Dereck presents This is the Greatest Week of My Life posted at I Will Not [...]