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When You are Your Own Enemy
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Now that is the best kind of war.
Not only is it the best because it’s the sort that makes the best films and the best novels, but it’s also the best because it’s the most winnable kind of war to wage.
The Best Kind of War
It makes for the best of entertainment because it’s the brutal kind of total war that brings to mind the epic, almost endless feud. We’re talking about Greece versus Troy. We’re talking about the free world against the Nazi clenched fist.
It’s the most winnable kind of war because if knowing your enemy fully is the primary requisite to a successful campaign, then you are guaranteed access to the best spy available. You have an ear to anything and everything that’s said, planned, devised. That information will become the decisive betrayal that turns the course of the war into your direction.
But before we get too far, we have to make sure that he or she who you declare to be your mortal enemy is in fact just you and you alone.
Make Your Enemy the Right One
So who is your enemy? Or, if you’re particularly lucky, who are your enemies?
If you’re a younger version of me, they are your father, your jealous bosses, your angry spouse, your coworker. They are your government, your birthright, your poor luck. Your lack of rich friends, rich family, your lack of opportunity. Fight them if you want. Fight them all bloody hell. At the end of the day, bloody knuckles and all, you will still find more of them.
You won’t win that way.
If you choose to fight external enemies, you will squander your precious few days faced off against a horde whose ranks will gladly replenish themselves right in front of your flailing arms and courageous yells of valor. They will mock you.
You must square off in the mirror.
Total War Against Yourself
The less futile route is to envision some future life whose sandy beaches and blue skies above taunt your mind behind the closed lids of your eyes. Imagine who you want to become. He or she must be your new hero; the uncanny villain could be your present self.
At this stage your enemy is just one.
Now this is familiar turf. But far from being a villain of villains, this antagonistic couple is composed of mere antagonists. Like a carefully guarded agreement the future you can gain the epic upper hand and guide with a kind of grace found mostly in full friendship, the present you off on a journey to meet the future you.
Enemies Fewer Than You Think
If it’s your boss who prevents your ascent, you can fight your boss or you can leave. If it’s your father who strangles your growth, you can battle him or walk away. If your friends are holding you back, you can try to change them or you can go off and look for new ones. In each case, the only versions whose outcomes you can guarantee are the ones where you face off against yourself.
You have within you the possibility to make the greatest gains.
You should just remember that those gains will come from your encounter with yourself. Everything else is just a waste of good war.
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Dereck :: Nov.06.2008 :: Growth, Perspectives, Success :: 24 Comments »
24 Responses to “When You are Your Own Enemy”
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So true.
I even published a poem once titled “No Longer in Opposition,” about my relationship with my father. I just got tired of fighting and now have a much more peaceful relationship with him.
However, it took several years of not speaking to him to get there.
Beth Partin´s last blog post..Second Chances, Last Chance
This is a great post! I’d never really looked at internal conflict as something that could be the best kind of war. I really enjoyed the section about having fewer enemies than you think. It really shows a lot of insight into how trivial external battles can be. Thanks so much for posting this. I really enjoyed reading it!
Does this mean that I’ve won my war? (Now that I’ve murdered my self-dobut?)
Matthew Dryden´s last blog post..US Election Day Means No Readers
Couldn’t agree more. I totally accept that I am my own enemy. Worst and best. I create everything in my reality. You create everything in your reality. Anything I have to overcome has been created by me in my mind. I hold myself back. Nobody else does. For a long time I thought they did, and this came in the form of blame and a sense of victimization. Just not true anymore. My eyes have opened. I have awakened. My challenge these days is to remind myself of my worth, of my capabilities, of my courage. To remind myself to believe those new beliefs instead of the old, self-deprecating beliefs. The beliefs of the enemy, the ones my ego wants me to continue to believe. It’s a battle, for sure.
I learned to deal with the boss keeping me down several years ago. I was having a rough week at work, and I would come home and rant about it every night. Finally, at the end of the week, I was asked, “So what are you going to do about it?”
*lightbulb*
Stop complaining about the boss and figure out what I am doing wrong. Things became much easier from then on. I learned to treat other aspects of life in the same way. We have control over ourselves, so we should not let others make our path for us. Good post.
Ian´s last blog post..I Want To Do It With You
I’ve always thought that the sweetest victories are those won over our selves particularly during our most difficult struggles. We inevitable come face to face with all sorts of “enemies” in the course of a day, but I think our own attitudes are the bigger factor in the way we would be able to win at the end of the day.
keithmaxx´s last blog post..Cooling Entrecard Habit
@ Beth – You should send me that poem. I like poetry. Too bad it sometimes takes so long for things like relationships to improve. I’m glad your relationship with your father is more peaceful.
@ MLRebecca – Your welcome, and thanks for all the feedback.
@ Matthew – Not sure. Maybe paved the way to the better one.
@ Suze – Indeed. Finding an intrinsic source of validation that can free someone from the sensation of feeling like a victim is a lifetime achievement. And while I think there are tons of legitimate “enemies,” we can call them very real “reasons” for the way lots of things are, they are almost never the easiest things to fight. Sometimes just focusing on what we can each do is far easier.
@ Ian – Thanks Ian. I’d say much of what you’ve said are things I’ve experienced too. We probably can rant about our damned bosses, but in the end the question always will be, “So what are you going to do about it?” Suddenly the focus shifts.
@ keithmaxx – I completely agree. The victories over our obstacles are the sweetest ones. And, like you’ve said, a lot of it has to do with defeating our attitudes and resurrecting new and better ones.
Brilliant stuff.
My internal battle is one where I am my worst enemy, because I’ve let external influences dictate the rules of engagement. Somehow my internal struggle has everything to do with the world around me. Is it a loathsome desire to find love, praise, acceptance from others?
@ Dan A loathsome desire? Depends on how you feel about the pursuit of these things, I suppose. It’s turning out to be a life-long endeavor of mine to balance those internal/external influences. Isn’t it called a dichotomy? What we sense internally is reflected to us externally, held up in front of us for examination. We’ll keep making those mistakes or having those lessons until we make sense of them. Slowly, the internal reactionary self starts to get it and what was once a struggle finally turns to pure gold. You see the magnificence of your being and sometimes, I’ve heard, you embrace the beauty of those external struggles because you no longer react to them as you once did. You see their purpose. They then fall away, no longer being necessary for our development.
On any given day, though, I still struggle. I still want love, praise and acceptance from others, even when I intellectualize that what I really need to do is love, praise and accept myself first.
But that’s life.
Dereck, I’ve been following (and enjoying) your blog for a while now and am drawn to comment on this stimulating post.
I like the picture of the internal battle against myself and being my own enemy, saboteur and terrorist all wrapped into one with many faces (not as simple as just one foe!). I also recognise many friends inside me too. I find in that enemy all the many people who’ve left marks on my life .. mixed in with all those who’ve left positive influences. I’ve found it a most important struggle (when I’m down) or dance (when I’m feeling good) to make friends with all those different inner faces or voices. And just when I think I’ve made friends with them all .. another pops up. Oh well. That’s the journey of life I guess!
Thanks again for the inspiration. Ian
Ian Peatey´s last blog post..Protecting our children
@ Dan – This is a gem:
That is precisely what I’m referring to; changing the rules of engagement so that external forces become irrelevant.
Doubtful. That’s such a subjective thing to determine though. If we do not want to ever have to rely on others for our sense of self, then it could be loathsome. And really, maybe we shouldn’t want to rely on others for that. Or maybe that’s a very long-term goal; maybe it’s human nature to need it.
An example: I may not want to need astute comments like yours to acknowledge that what I say has value, but they sure do just that.
@ Suze – Speaking of astute comments, yours is quite one itself. I think your life-long endeavor is a noble one.
The time you’ve spent reflecting on life has been fruitful, let me tell you. What’s funny here is that our act of communication about your perspective is going to play out exactly the general idea we’re talking about. I’m doing it now.
How so?
I’m an external source to you, telling you that what you know of yourself from your inside, is in fact, gold. I doubt your life endeavor will take you much more time after reading your precise and honest comment. Does my telling you that help you accomplish your endeavor? Interesting.
@ Ian – Well that’s good to know, because I don’t know if you know that I’ve been following your blog as well.
Two people lurking on each other’s sites. Nice to meet you, officially
I know exactly what you mean.
Dereck, here’s a link to it.
It’s a rather mysterious poem, actually, I was trying to capture the feeling I sometimes had with my father of being targeted from out of nowhere.
http://bethpartin.com/poetry/no-longer-in-opposition/
Beth Partin´s last blog post..MonHaibun: You’re Missing
I again find myself reading your comments and not quite understanding your world view. And no you can’t arrogantly tell me I don’t understand what you’ve written because I am not intelligent enough- I know that is not true. It is more like a there is a vast difference in our views of the world. I off course cannot claim to pigeon hole your views of the world- I can’t even do that for myself.
But as I read what you’ve written I am struck by the unhappiness so many of you are experiencing. Don’t get me wrong I am not saying I haven’t had a large lot of unhappiness- I certainly have- and still do sometimes. But my basic approach to live is much different (from what I can tell). You all have very sharp minds but are perhaps not using them for the most useful things- like over thinking things on blogs like this (and yes go ahead and tell me I am doing the same (I am) ). You all seem to have a very combative interface with the world you live in- I think most of you have some idea that is can be better but you’re just stuck as to how to get to the “goodness”. I don’t have the answer (I don’t always hold onto it myself) but I can say that my world is one that is much lighter and more hopeful because of the amount of effort I have put into viewing the world as a more positive place- off course there are tragic, horrible things- but persistently dwelling on them is not so helpful. There are people who can’t control the downward spiral of the world around them- and those people do need help- not help imposed on them- but help that is offered.
I think I have expressed my thoughts on this enough- I am intrigued to hear your full responses to this
@ Beth – I can’t consider myself an expert on poetry, so I don’t know if my saying this has any real value, but I absolutely love the poem. I think it’s amazing.
I stumbled it; I hope others do too. It was beyond art in words. It paced well, I loved how it is visually staggered.
@ Veronica – I’m not sure where we got off to the wrong start because I’m not sure we’ve yet spoken. I saw your comments on the other “smart people” posts, and hope to respond to them in the next few days.
Why would you think I would ever do this: “…you can’t arrogantly tell me I don’t understand what you’ve written because I am not intelligent enough”
Why would you think I am arrogant? Why would you think I would tell someone they don’t understand what I’m saying?
There could be a vast difference between our worldviews. You don’t have to worry about pigeon holing my view of the world. I did it for you. You can read it here.
Now I can’t speak directly for the potential unhappiness of the other commenters you read, so I’ll speak for myself here. I’m not all that unhappy. In fact, I generally consider myself happier than most of the people I know. Most of the time, I feel an abundance of joy for life and humanity. Simple as that. I’m probably more altruistic and more empathetic than many people you know.
At the same time, I ran through a course in life that gave me the vantage of watching first, most of my family die, then second, all of my highest dreams disintegrate. I went from the peak of a brief encounter with the potential to lead a life as an academic, and within months I was flipping burgers in a grease hell hole of a restaurant. Since then, I’ve been working my way back to a life that I believe more closely approximates my abilities and natural talents.
And that’s the whole point here: you might be detecting me near the low curve of a very wide valley. I have no doubt that some of my circumstances bleed out into my writing. Sure I’ve faced some frustrations. For instance, I just left a job I was most unhappy with. You probably detect that unsavory perspective of mine. But worry not; I’m not actually unhappy: I am driven. The drive to do the most often overshadows the simple shout of glee.
Much of what you read here isn’t unhappiness, it’s ambition. And it’s very, very happy.
And trust me when I tell you from the abundant heart I have, I know how to get the “goodness”. I’ll be doing that on January the 10th, 2009.
And that goodness is for a girl. Stay tuned.
Those last few sentences are certainly cryptic and have me interested- are you building the interest or will you reveal what you’ll be doing on Jan 10th 2009?
I apologise if I have come across as harsh or rather abrupt- I certainly know I can be. A good thing sometimes, other times not so good.
I apologise for interpreting your angle on some things as being a touch arrogant- I just got this image of some very intelligent people revelling in their own intelligence at the cost of others (I cannot deny I do get very frustrated with other peoples stupidity (well what I think is anyway) and also their cruelty- but I do still see the positive things to be developed). It is unfair of me to think I can figure out where you’re coming from or how you are interpreting something- I off course can’t- guess I do sometimes just enjoy the process of trying, and of finding out.
I read your “worldview” and as would be accurately predicted by what you wrote- I cannot fully grasp your worldview, or actually even come close to it. It did however give me an idea that you look at the world more expansively than I originally predicted.
I feel hopeful reading that you have an abundance of joy for life and humanity. I may be challenging you to prove yourself here- how are you more altruistic and empathetic than most people I know (a very unpredictable prediction to make!).
I am pretty convinced that you are striving for happiness in a way that I can identify with (I off course don’t know!). But I do wonder about how you frame your ideas. No actually I don’t have an accurate picture of that as have not read all you have written here- or much of it at all. But I do read some of it, and the responses you get and there does not seem to be much joy or playfulness- it feels heavy and introspective to the extreme.
Again I look forward to both your response, and that of others. Am always up for a bit of gentle intellectual kung fu!
Dereck …. good to meet you officially as well. No more lurking on each other’s sites!!!
Ian
Ian Peatey´s last blog post..Protecting our children
@ Veronica – Oh it’s no secret. I briefly mentioned it here. I’ll be returning to school (if all goes well between now and then). For me, we’re talking about the biggest and most sought life changing event in the last half a decade. It’s enough to bring me to tears of joy if I think about it too much. I’ll be writing about it quite a bit soon–after I make fun of my job first
No apologies necessary. You’re not the first to think I might be arrogant (hell, maybe I really am). It has more to do with my writing style, I suppose.
As to my looking at the world expansively: I can’t quite explain to you just how well your saying that is actually the biggest compliment to me. That expansive view is how I hope to be remembered on this earth, actually. And you say that in the midst of saying that you might not fully understand me.
You understand me very well, it turns out.
I’m glad you feel hopeful after hearing me reinforce my abundance of joy for life. As to what that means exactly, that could be a longer story. If it meant straining with all possible effort toward the goal of making a contribution to this earth in some way, then I would say that could be, though ambitious on the surface, a worthwhile goal that I might just have in mind.
How am I more altruistic and empathetic than the people you know? I can’t know that without knowing who you know, which I do not know (this is fun). But, knowing people generally, I know. You might have really good friends.
As to much of what has been said here being heavy and ontrospective, I’d say you are actually quite right. And sometimes it’s heavy and introspective to the extreme. And sometimes that extreme is a bad thing.
Unleashed as I will be soon, things should get less heavy. I can’t guarantee that they won’t get less introspective though. That might just be my nature. But, with the prospects right in my path, I’m feeling much, much lghter…every day now.
Cheers
@ Ian – Deal.
Potential Failures are Eventual Winners
Why Smart People are Unhappy
Why Smart People Fail
Playgrounds in the Night
Why Our Day Jobs Make Us Inhuman
Why People Don’t Like Smart People
When You Are Your Own Enemy
I am wondering why the intense negative focus in most of these?
Hmm I am going to apologise in advance for the possible harshness of the above comment. This is the second apology I have had to make for a similar thing.
My job that I love very much is stressful and demanding- it quite a difficult, but enjoyable way at the moment.
I live quite far from you I believe.
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Intriguing.
@ Veronica – No apologies necessary. Intriguing? Regarding what?